How do you know it’s time to end a marriage?

I typed that sentence into Google many, many times before I finally gathered enough courage to set into motion the chain of events that led to finally getting a divorce. There is never a “right” time to end a marriage, especially if you also have co-created new life as part of that marriage. What there is is a series of incidents that will build on each other day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year until finally one crystal clear moment when you face the truth will cause a brain shift that will power you through to the end.

I think I read in one of the many fantastic posts and articles that gave me strength, that there usually is one turning point which almost forces you to face the reality of your marriage and see that it is not a thing of beauty but rather very very ugly indeed, and something that will only continue to hurt you.

My crystal clear moment came about 6 months into our “trial” separation. My daughter pulled open the door of the plastic medicine cabinet over the sink and it came off into her hand and fell on the floor. The mirror on the front shattered all over the floor and around her bare feet. Her father, who was over for dinner, and was now on a phone call that could have waited, continued to speak on the phone while watching her stand in the middle of the glass shards. I ran over with slippers for her feet and a broom to clean the mess while he continued with his call. And then he mouthed “you missed some” to me pointing to some glass on the floor while still on the phone. I think at that moment the scales finally fell from my eyes and any hope I had for a reconciliation were dead on the spot.

I first wrote the above back in June of 2019 and it has been sitting in my drafts for 5 years now. I had completely forgotten about this blog that I had started 15 years ago, right before I became mom to the most amazing daughter anyone could ever ask for. That baby who was due in 2 months when I wrote my first post, has just celebrated her 15th birthday. I have been officially divorced for 5 years and am thriving by all accounts. 

But reading the last paragraph above, brought back the memories of that evening in high definition! It was the beginning of the end of a 20 year relationship and looking back now I know it was the absolute right thing to do to end that marriage. Since my own divorce, I have had so many women reach out to me for information, advice, or even just to talk. I have heard stories of how they much and how many times they tried to make things right until eventually they decided enough was enough. Even after making the tough decision to end their marriages, many of them had to further endure long and complicated divorce processes through the court system, while at the same time collecting themselves emotionally and mentally to be there for their children. 

When I look back now with the benefit of time and distance, I can see that my entire relationship was perhaps more flawed in many ways than it was healthy. We were both culturally very different - from our geographical & religious backgrounds to our ways of relating with other people. Our family dynamics couldn't have been more different either. Looking back, it seems as though we only progressed to marriage because it was the only next step to take instead of breaking up. 

Throughout our years together, there were many many signs that this was not a healthy relationship. But I was too naïve and inexperienced to recognise them. It took several years and a great deal of introspection for me to finally make the decision to let this relationship - and along with it my dreams of the ideal, happy family - finally go!

In the end, some big signs that will allow you to know when it is time to end a marriage are - 

• You feel deep in your gut that you have tried everything that you possibly could to change the situation for the better. This can take the form of counselling, therapy, asking family or friends for help, one or multiple trial separations even
• You start to prepare for a life by yourself and you start doing things again that gave you joy but which you had stopped or didn't get time for
• You stop expecting anything from your partner. You don't ask them to go anywhere with you, you don't share anything about your hopes with them, essentially you stop engaging with them
• You don't care about how your partner feels anymore and you don't care about repairing the relationship anymore either 

Although time has mellowed some of the agony of making a very hard decision, it was painful. And time does indeed heal most of the hurt. The bottom line is that I do not regret making the decision that I made. 

I hope this post helps someone who is going through the same thing!